I Finally Saw the Barbie Film Two Years After it Came Out & I Have Some Thoughts About Mature, Healthy Masculinity & How Anybody Can be “Kenough”

by Kendall—not Ken Doll—Beaver

I flew out to Japan a week ago to begin volunteer work on a farm where I’ll spend the entire summer before returning home to the US to begin a PhD program, but on my flight out here, I watched the Barbie movie for the first time. This film was originally released in July 2023, but I couldn’t see at the time because I was also volunteering on a farm outside of São Paulo, Brasil, and meant to watch it when I returned home but never got around to doing it until now, two years later.

Anyways, I liked the film and found it to be insightful and funny, trying hard at times not to laugh too hard and pound on my tray table because I didn’t want the Australian doctor sitting next to me to think that I was weird. There are many profound themes and topics presented in the film that I definitely agree, like how our society has created unfair beauty standards that women must live up to, that a woman must always look and act perfect to be considered “good enough” (Instagram definitely isn’t helping with this). I also agree that our patriarchy-ruled society that was founded on slavery and decided that one race and gender will be superior than all others has led to an unequal, unjust, discriminatory and hateful society that exists to this day.

But I want to discuss one topic that may not have been covered as much since the film was released, and that’s how masculinity was portrayed in the film. I think what Barbie got right was showing what masculinity looks like today, how men seem lost, aimless and have no goals, that men just want to go to the beach and “beach” all day and have a long-term, long-distance, low-commitment, casual girlfriend/partner. This is what’s shown in social media, porn, and on Tinder, so it must be normal, right?

But I think what Barbie got wrong is that they failed to discuss one of the most important forces and reasons why men are men, which is due a tiny yet powerful hormone that everyone has, just men happen to produce about 10x – 20x more of it than women—testosterone.

This one hormone, out of 75 known hormones, helps explain why men develop the bone structure that they have and have more strength than women, and may be the primary reason why men seem to be risk-takers and thrill-seekers and can help explain why Tom Cruise likes to hang off the side of airplanes.

Testosterone (C₁₉ H₂₈ 0₂) plays a crucial role in determining if the reproductive sex organ “testes” gets developed in a baby, and while it doesn’t directly produce sperm—that’s a whole different system, it does influence sperm production and is responsible for a man’s sex drive, causing him to go out, find and attract a suitable mate that he can reproduce with.

So, since the Kens in the film don’t have this distinguishing hormone in their bodies, they wouldn’t care to go after any Barbies, or any Kens for that matter, or any Barbies and Kens if they were into open relationships—nothing wrong with any of that—but the point is is that the Kens would only care to have Broadway style dance parties with Barbies every night and not want to fool around and get naked with them, which I think is captured perfectly in one of the scenes:

Ken: “I thought I might stay over tonight.”
Barbie: “Why?”
Ken: “Cause we’re girlfriend. Boyfriend.”
Barbie: “To do what?”
Ken just smiles and stares at Barbie for a moment.
Ken: “I’m actually not sure…”

People typically associate testosterone with aggression, but I believe that if a man is living a balanced life—exercising regularly, eating a healthy diet, maintaining relationships—then testosterone can actually help a man control his emotions and keep him calm. I believe that severe aggression is the result of an imbalance in testosterone and other hormones, which can be caused by excessive drugs and alcohol, suffering trauma to the head, having a genetic condition that interferes with the body’s homeostasis process, etc.

Additionally, I believe that aggression can be taught to men who possess significant strength where aggression can be used to harm or kill other people, but I also believe that with the right role models, men can learn to never use aggression in this way unless it is absolutely necessary.

Which brings me to my next point: everyone has a little bit of aggression within them, it’s a part of our parasympathetic nervous system, our “fight or flight” response system. This little bit of aggression can be advantageous when it comes to escaping a dangerous situation, and I’m sure that a woman can easily knock out a man or any animal that threatens their child.

I mentioned earlier that testosterone may be one of the reasons why men are risk-takers and thrill-seekers, which can help explain why men tend to run more red lights and get in more car accidents than women, therefore testosterone seems to make men reckless creatures. But if channeled in the right way, I believe that testosterone is what gives a man the internal motivation and physical energy to find out what his physical and mental limits are, then push himself beyond these boundaries.

Women, no doubt, have the same drive to find and push themselves beyond their physical and mental limits, and can arguably handle more pain than a man ever could (ahem…childbirth), but due to a higher production of testosterone, I believe that men will always have a slightly higher tendency to engage in what looks like erratic and reckless activities, but is really a quest for knowledge and mastery of self through new and increasingly difficult challenges. So men are naturally risky creatures, but a healthy man will always take calculated risks over random, thoughtless risks.

If it makes the partners and spouses of men feel better, testosterone production usually decreases after a baby is born, where the focus shifts from mate attraction and reproduction, to ensuring a child’s survival and raising them to become a healthy, productive citizen who will make the world a better place. Can there be anything more challenging yet gratifying than that?

Still, though, no matter where a man is at in his life he’s never satisfied with where he’s at. He always wants more—a new adventure, a new mission. He doesn’t want to be safe or comfortable, and especially doesn’t want to be a Ken who has no drive or internal purpose in life—even Barbie found him annoying and didn’t want him on her journey to stop cellulite and keep from thinking thoughts about death.

A man always wants to be on a real hero’s journey, facing great opponents, overcoming all odds and achieving something that he thought was impossible.

But the real hero’s journey is the one within. It’s about finding contempt, solace, and love for yourself—a journey that everyone must go through, not just men.

It begins the moment you’re born…

There is no correct path or way to take on this journey, except that you must set small and large goals to better yourself.

You will fail and will look dumb and stupid at first, wondering why you took on these goals in the first place.

But you will find a way to turn these failures into successes, either by yourself or with the help of others.

You’ll begin to acquire accomplishments and people will begin to notice and respect you, but more importantly, you’ll begin to respect yourself.

You’ll continue pushing yourself and your goals a little further, wanting to expand and grow in as many areas as possible.

There’ll come a point when you want to help people improve their lives, to not suffer the way you did, so you find a way to be of service to others.

This selfless act will bring you great joy and make you realize that you or anyone are not the center of the world or the universe, but that we’re all an equal and important part of it.

Which makes you wonder how anything in our universe came into existence in the first place—was it an accident or was it all intentional?…

You accept the fact that you may never be able to understand this answer, the greatest question we’ll ever ask ourselves, so you simply give thanks for “the great orchestration” that occurred to bring you, everybody & everything into existence today.

More importantly, there’ll come a point when you realize that the journey you’re on doesn’t have a destination, but that the destination is the journey.

And the only thing that matters on this journey is having the right mindset because mindset is the only thing we really have.

It is this mindset that will guide you, your family & others throughout each day and through difficult hards, and it is this same mindset that will also create joy in other people’s lives and make the world a better place.

I wish Barbie said something like this to Ken in the scene near the end of the film, after the Barbies have peacefully dethrone Ken and his “Kendom,” which was a crazy and extreme patriarchal form of government. Ashamed of his actions, Ken then confesses to Barbie how empty he feels inside because he’s never had any real purpose besides being Barbie’s boyfriend. Barbie encourage him to find his own identity as a way forward, that he is “Kenough,” which Ken realizes he is Kenough—-sublime! Then everything ends happily ever after for him. Yayyy. The end.

But this answer of “Kenough” is unsatisfying to me. I know, I know, this is “just a movie” and “it’s not about real people, anyways,” and “the story is about Barbie and her journey, not Ken’s,” etc. However, as I’ve already said, most men do feel lost in society today and are desperately looking for answers on how to become better, how to become Kenough.

Which is why I wrote this blog, to offer some concrete ideas and examples on how to become better men. I don’t claim have all the answers and am barely scratching the surface on a complicated and personal topic. So take what works for you and throw away what doesn’t, and remember, everybody’s journey will look different, so don’t compare your journey to anyone else’s.

I’ll end my short blog post by offering four of my favorite books that have shaped my view about masculinity and made a positive difference in my life—well, the last one isn’t about masculinity, it’s about freeing your mind and finding peace. I’ll also include some books that you may find interesting that involves fatherhood, community, and critiques of modern society, along with some quotes I like that pertain to men.

But men, it’s okay to be confused. There are so many mixed, conflicting & dangerous messages on “how to be a man.” A lot of these messages have been successfully marketed to you through algorithms and third-party data brokers. But there are good messages out there, just as there are good-natured, healthy men—all of whom want to see you succeed because the world desperately needs better men.

This is why you’re here.

Much love, my fellow Kens, Barbies & anyone who identifies otherwise,

-Kendall

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Note: I’m not affiliated with or sponsored by the following authors and publishers, these are my own personal recommendations and therefore, I receive no compensation for promoting their work.

My top 4 book recommendations:

1. No More Mr. Nice Guy, by Dr. Robert Glover
   • Despite what the title says, this isn’t a book about being mean or rude. It’s about setting goals for yourself and going after those goals, and is more effective if you can find a group of other men who can hold you accountable, a group whom you can be real and vulnerable with. This book also describes the nice guy syndrome and how this can be a bad thing, and makes you analyze the relationship you have with your parents, especially your father, and how this dynamic—whether good or bad—plays out in your relationships today.
2. The Masculine in Relationship, by C.S. Youngblood
   • This is an invaluable book that explains the different energy in relationships. Everybody has two types of energy, the masculine (“go-getter, achieve anything”) and the feminine (“relaxed, fun & creative”). You embody one of these energies more than the other, which forms the basis of your relationship and why you’re attracted to your opposite energy. But this energy isn’t static, you swap and cycle through both of these energies with your partner throughout the day. You have to know when to lead vs. when to follow your partner and how to set healthy boundaries.
3. King, Warrior, Magician, Lover: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine, by Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette
   • Based on Jungian psychology, the authors explain that men embody four main archetypes throughout their life, which appears across many cultures throughout time: king, warrior, magician, and lover. The book goes more in-depth and explains what each archetype means, but armed with this knowledge, a man can slide in and out of the different archetypes to help deal with various challenges throughout life.
4. The Courage to be Disliked: The Japanese Phenomenon That Shows You How to Change Your Life and Achieve Real Happiness, by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga
   • This is a fun and entertaining read because the entire book is a fictional conversation between two characters: a wise, old philosopher and a young man who is desperately looking for happiness. The old man tells the young man that happiness isn’t about finding an easy life that’s full of “rainbows & butterflies,” it’s about freeing your mind and getting rid of the self-limiting beliefs that society places on you; it’s about finding peace within yourself and, as the title implies, it’s about finding the courage to be disliked by an unhappy society.

Additional books about fatherhood, building community, and critiques of modern society:

1. Raising Men: Lessons Navy SEALs Learned from Their Training and Taught to Their Sons, by Eric Davis, with Dina Santorelli
2. The Boy Crisis: Why Our Boys Are Struggling and What We Can Do About It, by Warren Farrell and John Gray
3. Tribe: On Homecoming and Belonging, by Sebastian Younger
4. The Way of Men, by Jack Donovan
   • I wasn’t going to include this book because it’s very controversial, but I have to confess that I think this is a well-written book penned by a smart and thoughtful man. There are many things in the book that I don’t agree with, like needing to create a separate society where men can truly be men, but I think Jack hits the nail on the coffin many times like when he says a lot of men feel like our society has become too soft and civilized for men; that following rules made for a global, uniform world can make men feel tamed and emasculated; and that some men don’t want to do a “low testosterone” job when they prefer physically active jobs (I personally hate cubicle jobs). Where I disagree with Jack is that I think it’s still possible to be a real, hardworking and valuable man in our modern, globalized society as long as you achieve balance in all areas of your life. No utopia needed. Perfect worlds don’t exist. And all utopias become dystopias, anyways.
5. The Case Against the Sexual Revolution by Elousie Hay
   • Another controversial book, Elouise discusses the benefits and consequences of birth control, like how it has allowed women the ability to delay childbirth to attain higher education and high profile careers before starting a family, but it has also caused sex to be seen as insignificant and not taken as serious as it should be, and has therefore caused women to be treated more like objects instead of people. She also discusses why rape exists, how porn promotes promiscuity over commitment, and many other related topics that most men have never considered before. Definitely an eye-opening book.

And finally, the book that provided the facts and information about testosterone presented throughout this blog:

1. T: The Story of Testosterone, the Hormone that Dominates and Divides Us, by evolutionary biologist Carole Hooven

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Quotes I like that pertain to men:

“Waste no time arguing what a good man should be. Be one.”
– Marcus Aurelius

“Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.”
-Albert Einstein

“Manhood is the defeat of childhood narcissism.”
-David Gilmore

“There is difference between being a good man and being good at being a man.”
– Jack Donovan

“If we do not initiate our boys into the village, they will burn it down just to feel its warmth.”
– African proverb