A few months ago, during my virtual writers Meetup group, I created an unnamed alpha male character who was immature, egotistical, and quite hilarious—and my friends loved him! I knew I had to use him again so I reincarnated him into this funny and raunchy short story.
Synopsis: With everybody quarantined at home during the pandemic, a horny young alpha male reaches out to his crazy ex-girlfriend in hopes of having some Zoom sex with her.
by Kendall Beaver
I took my shirt off, grabbed a bottle of aerosol sunscreen and sprayed Coppertone across my chest and shoulders then my face and underneath my armpits, too. I looked in my Zoom camera and saw how oiled up and irresistible I looked. I was ready for some Zoom sex now, Zoom sex with my ex, Ana Rios.
I would’ve chosen someone else to have Zoom sex with but Tinder, Bumble, and basically the entire world is shut down right now. It was right before COVID that Ana and I broke up, that first week in March. And if you take COVID aside, we’d never made it long-term ’cause she thinks I’m too opinionated and don’t take care of myself but at least I’m not crazy and insecure like her! She’ll do anything to get her way sometimes.
I didn’t even think ’bout her or getting laid at the beginning of the pandemic ’cause I was more concerned with finding toilet paper and Fruit Loops—surviving! But now that I know the grocery stores are well-stocked, I can get back to meeting my other basic needs, and that’s when I began to wonder if I could have virtual sex with Ana. Hmm…
So I pulled up Ana’s Instagram and went back to posts before we broke up. She’d been making banana nut bread like everybody else and actually looked good—like really good, much better than we were dating! No glitz, no glam, she had a more natural look with little makeup on and hair in a ponytail. I saw NO dudes in any of her pics so I took my shot.
I opened up my text messages and paused when I saw our last conversation which was right before COVID. How weird, I thought, then I took a moment to think about what to say…then my fingers did the talking:
I meant it, I wanted to know if her parents were okay. They’re hardworking people and own a restaurant. I’d hate to think they were going under or something.
Then, as I waited for a response, I kept thinkin’ how she must have a boyfriend and if she did then I hoped he was ugly as hell. And stupid. And fat. And missing his nuts. Then I imagined him to look like that character from The Goonies, the “heyyy, you guyyys” guy. Sloth, I think his name was—or was it one-eyed Willy?…Wait, no! That was the pirate who lost the gold, it was Sloth! Yeah, I nodded, I HOPE she’s dating Sloth.
I laughed hard at that thought, then my phone chimed! Oh, I’d never been more excited to hear that chime in my life, but it could also be a bad chime; she could’ve sent me the emoji middle finger, if that’s a thing. So I was surprised by her response:
Okay—civil, polite, caring—I can make something happen. And she wouldn’t have responded if there was a guy in the picture, right?
So I told her I was doing okay, that I had better days but haven’t we all. We made COVID small talk ’bout how ridiculous grocery shopping has become, what it’s like working remotely, and how her parent are surviving on takeouts and savings but are concerned long-term. I expressed my same concern.
She shared her newfound hobby of cooking which I complemented her Instagram and said she should write me a cookbook. We brought up that memory of that one fucked-up weekend in Atlantic City and all these memories started rushing back.
When I asked if she’d been dating or talking to anyone she said no. Her plan was to find some hot guy to make me jealous, but that was before COVID. “Ditto, girl,” I said. “Ditto…” Then I asked the question that was on both of our minds: how are we doing down there, how bad do we want it right now? Bad, we both confessed. Very bad. Needed a little rain, so I made the offer:
I jumped out of my bed at her response and ran towards my desk, tripping over a hoody and crashing into my desk. I pounded on my laptop, waking it up, then typed in my password but I was typing too fast that it took me three times to get it right. I quickly opened Zoom, created a session and sent Ana the Meeting ID and Password. “Gimme a minute,” I texted. I wanted to make an impression.
My shirt came flying off, I showered myself with Coppertone—TSTTT—I smelt like coconuts!—then I looked in my Zoom camera and liked what I saw. But my chest could use some more poppin’, I thought, so I dropped to the floor and did some pushups…On about the ninth or tenth pushup, I heard Ana’s voice come across my laptop speakers: “Hello? Rione?”
“Ooh, shit—” I whipped up like a prairie dog, startling her. “Hey, girl!” I said out of breath. “Hey, how’s it going?”
“Good,” she said leaning in and squinting her eyes. “Are you…are you wearing baby oil?”
Her eyes moved around, unsure if I was telling the truth. “Wait, really?”
“Oh, yeah,” I said nodding.
I shrugged. “Had to look good.”
She choked up a laugh. “God, you’re stupid.”
“Don’t ya miss me!” I said enthusiastically.
“I mean, why would you put on sunscreen?” she said, beginning to cackle. “You’re indoors! You’re quarantined, you’re not going anywhere!”
And she lost control of her laughter. As she did that, I stared at her white T-shirt. There were two flamingos on the front, their necks were wrapped around each other which signified they were either in love or wanted to strangle each other to death. Our relationship was like the latter most times, and I wonder if we’d strangle each other tonight.
“So when you gonna take off your shirt?” I blurted out.
She suddenly stopped laughing and threw up a finger. “Hey! Okay first off, I’m only doing this ’cause I’m bored.”
“Me too!” I interjected.
“This—” she said pointing between us, “this would NEVER happen. And second off, you know I don’t miss you, right. This is just a one-night…Zoom stand-session.'”
“Yes,” I grunted. “It’s mutual. Now, c’mon! Take off your shirt.”
She exhaled, then began to smirk. Her wild, slutty side was coming out. She pulled her shirt up over her head and tossed it aside, revealing a teal bra and that ivy tattoo on her chest that I loved so much. Reaching backwards, contorting, she began unhooking her bra. “How bad do you wanna see these?”
“Oh, so bad.”
“Mm,” she moaned. Hooks unclasped, the flimsy bands folded outwards. She pulled the elastic straps down her shoulders…then suddenly stopped. “Kay, your turn,” she said in a burst, sliding the straps back up.
“Whoa whoa whoa!”
“Show me yours and I’ll finish showing you mine.”
My eyes went wide with shock. “Wha-hut?!”
“I’m serious,” she smiled, enjoying this. But I was getting hard and didn’t want to lose momentum so I caved in. “Okay,” I nodded, trying to remain cool.
I rose from my chair, unbuttoned then unzipped my pants, pushed them down which caused my Polo boxers to prop up like a camping tent. “You, uh, may not remember how big I used to be…” I said as I slid my underwear down and revealed my manhood. “Go ahead, take a good look,” giving her a moment, her smiling, then said, “Kay girl, your turn.”
Lifting her chin she gave me a seductive gaze, then pulled her bra off and tossed it aside, exposing her chest and beautiful, perky breasts.
“God…” I said. Then I slurped trying to catch my drool.
Keeping a fixated gaze on me, she stood and revealed her gray sweatpants. Pulling on the waistband, she shimmied her sweats off, doing a playful dance until they were on the ground. She stepped out of them and stood in her black boy shorts—I slurped again. Smoothly running a finger on the inside lining of her panties, she asked, “You ready to see this?”
“OH, YEAH!” I hollered—I may have barked like a dog.
Biting her lip, she leaned forward, pulled down her panties and went out of frame…
then never returned up.
“Ana,” I chuckled. “Stop playing, girl.” She still didn’t come back up. I leaned in and asked slightly concerned, “Ana?” Then my screen went black and a No internet connection message flashed before me.
“Agh! Ana! Ana baby, can you hear me?!”
A line of flashing dots appeared, trying to be reestablish a connection. I could still see a black box with her name on it, just no picture. I yelled “c’mon!” as I banged the side of my laptop then heard a choppy “Rione?”
“Yes, Ana! I’m here! I’m alive!”
“I, uh…I can’t see you.”
“Here, let me try to close and reopen.”
I closed my session then relaunched it. Zoom was taking forever to load—I could feel a heart attack coming on, this was a life or death situation—then her box reappeared but still no video.
“Nooo!” I cried, clenching my fists and shaking the in the air. “I still can’t see you.”
“Really? ’cause I can see you.”
I thought a moment then it hit me: “I know!” I grabbed my phone. “I’m calling Tech Support.”
“Whoa whoa whoa, don’t do that.”
I was about to Google “Zoom emergency number” when I saw a light flash and Ana appear before my screen. “Yes!” I shouted. “Whooo!—” patting my chest, feeling my heart calm down. “Whoo, close one.”
She stepped back and my jaw dropped at her naked body. She’d grown a bush since last time—was always been a groomer—and I liked it. “Damn!” I snapped. “Now c’mon, turn around and show me what I’ve missed.” She twirled around then took a seat on the edge of her chair, her lower half going out of frame.
“No! Can’t see anything.”
“You’ll just have to imagine being inside me then,” she said reaching down and circling her hand around. “My warm…wet pussy.”
Mmm, I moaned, stroking myself. My breathing deepened through my nose and I asked “want me inside of you?” on an exhale.
“Yes—” she said on a shallow breath. With her eyes closed, she threw her head back, opened her mouth and shuddered out a pocket of air.
I closed my eyes, too, and imagined us fucking in her bed: her on top, riding me hard, me squeezing her B-cups; such a clear and powerful image…but my imagination could only sustain it for so long, just a few seconds, so I opened my eyes again to see the real thing and when I did I saw two large golden circles staring right back at me—“Bah!” I yelled as I slid back in my chair, startled by the sight of her black cat Charles’ face across the entire screen, sniffing the camera. “Fuckin’ — Charles! Get outta here!”
Ana opened her eyes and immediately burst into laughter. “Sorry,” she said scooping up Charles, then carrying him out of frame, said in a cuddly ‘motherese’ voice, “You don’t wanna see that man’s weenie, no-u-don’t!” The door closed then she returned onscreen a moment later. “Ha. Sorry.”
“Charles.” I muttered in a despising tone.
“He misses you.”
“Fuck if I know,” she shrugged. “He’s a cat. Should only care ’bout me.” I laughed hard at that. Picking up a sporty water bottle she said, “Hey, let’s take a break,” then began sucking out water, making a gushing sound as air bubbles popped and danced inside her bottle, looking like boiling water.
I looked for my half-finished La Croix…there it is, on my dresser. I reached up and stretched out, lifting my naked butt off my chair to retrieve it. I sipped some grapefruit water then noticed my Kandypens weed pen at the back of my desk. How weird, I thought, I hadn’t charged the battery or used it in awhile. “Hey Ana, wanna hear something crazy?—” I said picking up the Kandypens and seesawing it in front of the camera. “I quit this, like…two weeks ago.”
“Really?” she said shocked. “And how do you feel?”
“Quite good, actually.”
“Good,” she nodded, seeming proud for me. “That’s how I feel ’bout my new diet, not as moody as I used to be.”
“Good,” I echoed back.
“Did you know I quit the pill?”
“WHOA…WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.”
“What, it’s not good for us. Messes with our hormones.”
“And you’re just gonna get pregnant?!”
“Course not, STOOPID! I’m not fucking anybody! And I’ll take it again when I’m in a relationship—if that ever happens—IF we get out of this lockdown.”
I stared at her quietly. “What?” she asked, narrowing her eyes.
“Nothing.” Off her deadpan look: “Okay,” I said then drew a breath. “Honestly, I…still miss you.”
“Yeah,” I nodded.
She lost her breath then froze up. Or her screen froze up. “Ana?” I asked afraid that we lost our connection.
She blinked, “Yeah?”
My eyes rolled up, relieved. “So how do you feel?”
“The same, actually,” she softly said.
God, that felt great to hear! But I still had more to say: “Look, with COVID, I realized you were right ’bout some stuff, like how I need to work on myself—and I’ve been doing all that!—but I think ultimately…I was doing all that to get back with you.”
“Aww, Rione!” she said blushing. “Well…Yeah. I’ve thought the exact same thing.”
“So, you uh…” I said moving my finger between us, “you wanna try again?”
“Course,” she said with the brightest smile I’ve ever seen—and I realized that her smile was exactly what I needed to get me through this pandemic, to get me through the tough times.
And maybe, just maybe, if we do this right then it will take me throughout the rest of my life.
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